In My Mind’s Zen Garden

Tapping
the essence
of eternity…

We live
in the realm
of the moment…

I’ve started an eBook of Poetry and Prose by yours truly. And I hope to finish and publishing it online sometime next month in February 2008. This will be my first eBook ever, and why I never thought about publishing my own eBook years ago is totally beyond me.

Well, now that I’m beginning to see just how easy it is to create an eBook and making it available online, I’m sort of jumping on the bandwagon, so to speak. But, I’ve always wanted to publish a book of my own poetry… just never allowed myself the time and effort to do it. And, I’ve never thought of myself as a great poet. But, I love to write, and I love writing poetry and prose… and creating an eBook sounds highly possible and a logical next step for someone who loves to write, so why not do it?
Read more »

In a land,
once believed lost,
this hidden shangri-la
that dwells within…
I search for that valley
high beyond the
highest of mountains…

A peaceful land,
untouched by masses,
along the high slopes
I wander…
through the hidden
forests and glaciers…

This land,
that beckons me
to go on my journey
to dwell in solitude,
and peace…

This place,
with deep blue skies…
as the cloud mists
caress the high peaks…

…touching the mystery
within…

…the heart that beckons the journey…

ever, so softly
cascading sounds of
soft metallic sensations
as wind blows quietly
around the corner, just on the
other side of the house…

windchimes

one shining column, had
fallen from a broken string
fallen from neglect
fallen from time’s natural
occurence

these old chimes
bringing back memories of time

in this reverie
that which is scattered
like random sounds
caressing my thoughts

in turn
through my life’s memories
random thoughts that flow
released to the wind

and my mind
feels this sense of isolation
imagery, of focused scenes
crystal clear
that float as if drifting through
the soft wisp of twilight…

one step above quiet, this
soft breeze that shapes and
stirs about the chimes in my mind…

in the zen of my emptiness
in the subtle movement of air

i seek quietude, to become
enlightened… from the random
sounds of windchimes through air…

and this peace i’ve found
was never so hard to reach…

as long as i stilled my mind
as long as i stood still

once i heard
the lonely sound
of chimes in the wind…

Copyright 2006 Carlos Rull

your lovely smile
those eyes that meet mine

the warmth of your touch
that caring glance, so divine…

© 2006 Carlos Rull

(written on March 8, 1983) Read more »

peaceful is this morning—
so bright, and fair, with promise

…and sunshine
reflecting, dried tears
from last night’s rain
against my window

my tears of sadness
gone momentarily, with a
melancholy tune, a wandering
violin, playing in my mind…

there was one shining moment
when i knew, and nurturing it
and keeping it safe, i would
carry it with me, always…
like a sleeping baby…

those bits and pieces of dreams
scattered like those beautiful stars
above me, so pure and true…

like the air that surrounds me
and thus weeping, with tears of joy
this day that passes on—

in a moment of reason, and
clarity, marking this passage of time

and…

i float on by
a simple cloud
against the blue…

© 2006 Carlos Rull

ominous
forbidden…

stretching its talons
and wings of hatred across
the land, in this darkest of hours

where angels fear
in the darkness of the soul

we must pass, through
this essence of anguished, torture

the pain
unbearable, forthcoming
lost hope, plunged
into the deep grave of coldness

alive, only to
feel this pain, this sadness
this endless struggle

the mind
seeks to survive
this onslaught of misery
this burden, this gauntlet
that can not be avoided…

shelter
warmth
comfort…

no where in sight

torment, desolate
penetrating the heart
like an icy cold dagger, that
does not release its death grip
on mercy of its victim…

tortured
and broken
the light beyond the hills
is much too far, the warmth
non-existent…

cold and desolate
stricken with isolation
clinging to the hopes
and dreams that seem but
a vague memory from a past lifetime…

isolation…
the darkness that must be overcome…

© 2006 Carlos Rull

[ a poem by e.e. cummings, for valentine's day ] Read more »

[ A poetic study on unrequited love... ]

love
casts
its
dark
side

unto
the
forlorn
and
abandoned

once
innocent
and true

now
desolate
and
forgotten

and
falling
down
down
far
below
the surface
of a crystal blue lake…

landing in a remote desert

sinking into the sand
and drowning in a sea of sorrow

bleeding from a wound that won’t heal

lost in hopeless confusion

like sailing on a dark ocean beneath a stormy sky

or peering through a window into a dark room
or looking out of a window into the cold night
or wondering, just wondering

just wondering and never knowing

forever lost…
as the bright sunny afternoon gives way
to the approaching night…

its shadows cast upon the leaves and grass
that become bitter cold and moist with frozen dew drops…

once
innocent
and true

now
desolate
and forgotten

as
love
casts
its
dark
side

unto
the
forlorn
and
abandoned

© 2006 Carlos Rull

sometimes
i feel like i am
standing still

that the world
is moving and
passing me by

sometimes
i see myself
like a child
waiting to
board the
kiddy ride at
the park…

i never
jumped in…

hesitation
or fear had
overcome me

what have i
been afraid of
all this time?

why is it
so hard to
join in and
be a part of
the flow of life?

do i stand here
waiting for some
thing to happen?

here i stand
waiting, then…

just waiting
and watching
the flowers bloom
and butterflies
outside my window

perhaps wishing to
be a beautiful butterfly
free and being immersed
with its surroundings…

i guess i wish i were
a butterfly free and clear
not afraid to be one with
my own surroundings…

and here i stand
looking out the window
waiting…

watching life go by

watching

life…

© 2006 Carlos Rull

if i didn’t know you
where would i be? Read more »

I can not begin to tell you
just how much you mean to me
how much you have made a difference
in my life…

You are in every waking part of my day
just as you are in my dreams at night

If i could i would truly give you the world
for you have given me mine

I’m so thankful to have you as my dear friend
so grateful that you are a part
of my life…

. . . .

(c) January 2006 Carlos Rull

Today
I feel a sense of peace

The hummingbird
glides about just outside
my window amongst the
hybiscus flowers

The sunlight
reflects its glow
off the gardenia leaves

The air is crisp
and the sun casts its
warmth onto plants
and trees and flowers

Incense burns
as the music of the
Far East beckons to me

A vase of flowers
sets the mood of tranquility

The quietness
of my surroundings
reflects the quietude within

Is life but a dream?

Sometimes
with the beauty that exists
to behold around me
and the immenseness of
this universe, it’s no wonder
life appears to be a dream…

I can gaze up into
the clear blue sky and
see the infinite…

© 2006 Carlos Rull

it is with
a lightness
that i whisper your name…

it is your
kindness
that surrounds me…

can it be
that our friendship
is eternal?

like the stars
we gaze upon
on this cool, clear night…

the briskness
of the air, so fresh
and gentle upon my face…

looking up at
the vastness of the universe…

looking straight up
into infinite divinity…

realizing that we
are but a moment in time

yet, time so precious…

so sacred…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

in a land
not far from here
a dawn, so peaceful
so fragile, the mist
among the trees, and
cascading over the green hills.

never far, and always
within my mind, such tranquil
surroundings of peaceful co-existence
with nature’s most splendid beauty.

and over this land
far beyond the sea, where
my heart waited for thee
a certain melancholy sadness
had awaited, such an aching sorrow
such a longing reverie…

distance
and time, had
kept me hidden
with my memories, those
days now past, yet the nights
cause such sweet sorrow, such
eloquently kept images and thoughts…

toward this distant night
gathered, are the memories
of you, in the cold night, and
such longing embraces

auras of gold
beckoning, yet distant
always ever-present, yet still

and, my sadness
is laid to rest for the evening
until a new day approaches, and
its dawn casts shadows on the land
with help of the trees…

and you come
as a true friend would, and bask
in the glow of the morning sun…

and we weep not of sadness
but of joy, as we hope for better
days ahead…

as we hope…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

my body
stiff and rigid, was given wings

to move about and extend
to dance and flex with freedom

my mind
was stilled, and ever silent

focused on pinpoint reflection
calmed, like a silent stream

my heart
was left, by the sea

in the days, that followed
a lasting memory, unchained me

my soul
was given freedom, to fly

in the years, that passed
a forgotten wisdom, had found me

to fly above the stillness
to soar into the clear, blue sky
to grasp with mindfulness
to find an inner wisdom
to reflect on the passing moment
to love and feel
to find one’s inner spirit
to search the soul within…

there was a time when life was complex
but, in actuality, life has always been simple

we make mountains when there is actually a peaceful, green valley

to live in peace is to fly above the stillness
to love is to find compassion and kindness in all

to fly above the stillness
is to search deep within your soul

…and find the wisdom you seek.

in meditation
lies the journey

inward…

in spirit
and devotion

one finds peace
like a small lake made still
it’s mirror-like surface
reflecting the beauty
of the soul…

peace and love
will find those who
follow the inner path

stillness
will conquer those
ill-thoughts and misbegotten
deeds…

peace will arrive
love will persevere

have faith, hope
and fervent devotion…

surrender to the stillness
and you will find your way…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

we are
like children, only
a bit older… and a bit wiser
but still needing to hold someone’s hand
as we cross the street that is life…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

i love
the sun
and the rain
and the promise
of joy and hope that
a new day can bring.

i love
the warmth
of light, and the
patterns that the
shadows cast in the
late afternoon sun.

i love
the peace of
a quiet lake, and
the swans that gently
glide along the surface.

i love
the sun, as
it sets into the
blue-gray ocean, and
the magnificent colours
cast upon the horizon.

i love
the look on
your face, telling me
you are glad to see me, and
i love the joy that surrounds
us like a warm blanket on a
cold winter’s morning.

i love your smile.
i love your eyes as they greet mine.

and i love you.

© 2005 Carlos Rull

on the other side of the clothesline

beyond the backyard fence, that opens up into

the canyon below, we journeyed to worlds of

discovery in our youth, climbing trees and

playing soldiers in fox holes, and feeling

afraid of the distances climbed, and realizing

just how far we walked, only to get home

past our suppertimes, getting into trouble, all

while remembering days of clean sheets flowing

in the gentle breeze of the afternoon sun…

sometimes, anticipating the wonderful melody of

an ice cream truck that delivered the best

rainbow swirled popsicles ever, and savoring

the cool flavors on a hot, sweltering day…

we’d take hikes and announce dares to walk

the full length of a pipe that spanned a canyon

only to traverse part way, and turn around

suddenly, realizing our limits…

we’d find rattlesnakes on trails and bullfrogs

and tadpoles in secluded streams by golf

courses…

building fortresses out of the shrubs around

us, and protecting and barricading ourselves

from other children, intent on capturing that

feeling that we owned something tangible…

beyond the clothesline and the clothes

blowing in the gentle breezes, there lay a

certain hope and adventure, that i haven’t

quite lost, but afraid of losing as one

traversing the path of adulthood, when

it simply isn’t considered wise to still

have the heart of a child…

but, i often imagine that we are simply

children who are older, for we still have

the need to hold someone’s hand while

we walk through life…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

the rain, falls
downward, a coldness
tapping against the window
and pouncing upon the roof

a transparent, cold
wetness surrounds me
casting this day
so dark and dreary

but, thoughts of you
go through my mind
and keep me warm
like the light
above me…

and the hot cafe mocha
beside me…

and the piano music
that poured out of me
that i’m listening to
and reminiscing…

and i am
daydreaming of
sunny days, where
a beautiful afternoon glow
engulfs you, where
you bask in the warmth
amidst a field of
golden poppies…

i am distant
feeling thousands
of miles away
in another world…

but, in the
same instance
my thoughts keep
you close, where
i continue to daydream
and, pretend things
are different…

and i bask in
the sunshine of
my reverie, longing
yet not longing
sitting and watching
the rain, pour
down against the window
against the darkness
and the coldness outside….

yet, your smile keeps me warm
and thoughts of you soothe my weary soul…
and that is enough, as
the cold night
approaches…

as fall turns into winter…

©2005 May 3rd Carlos Rull

once
long ago
i looked up
at the early evening
sky

the air, so crisp
and clear

gazing
just above
a darkening, southwestern
horizon

i saw
the twinkling
of the first star

it appeared like
an angel, shimmering bright

and i made a wish
to that star above

i wished
with all my
heart…

that
everything
i’d hoped for
would come true

and i listened
to the music playing
in my head

and in my mind
i saw a little boy
named palhaco…

whose heart was full
of dreams and wishes
of a distant land
to the north

and in my visions
i saw him crying
by the side of the road
his heart full of sadness…

he wondered why life was so hard
why there were so many obstacles he had to face…

yet he kept on

and i looked up at that star
and i cried and cried…
feeling a deep aching in my heart…

for palhaco and i
were one and the same…

but there was
a glimmer of hope
in palhaco’s eyes
as he looked up at that star

and he thought, “someday… i will be someone”

…while saying a prayer
and hoping for a brighter future…

one as bright as that star up above…
palhaco’s star

© 2005 Carlos Rull

it is, but
a sunny afternoon of sadness, that
recalls faint memories
from a song

i dwell
upon the shadows, behind
a flower pot

echoes of melancholy reflection
from the afternoon glow

a faint sound of a piano
heard in the distance

a sunny chair
empty, and all alone

the air, ever
so slight, begins
its cooling descent…

my heart, grows
heavy with sorrow, to
the view in the distance

and into the distance, i fall

and a book lies
on the lawn, its
pages turning, randomly
in the afternoon sun

all remains still, within
a quiet part of my soul

just waiting…

and dreaming…

as life
moves on within and beyond…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

beneath
the cracks
and the crevices
of an old, dusty
abandoned mill

nestled in
the deep forests
of my dreams

long forgotten
and left all alone

piece by piece
the jigsaw puzzle
becomes lost and frayed

and an old shoe rests
at the foot of the porch
and the winds rustle
the autumn leaves
along a cold trail
nearby

the dampness
of the fallen leaves

the mist through
the trees…

flows, as the cold
afternoon winds rush in
and chill the air

and in those dark cracks
i hide, from the bustling crowds
seeking a solitude, a lonely
solitude that feels like an eternity

a place hidden
in the deep forests of
my dreams, to
calm this cold, lonely soul…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

there’s a secret place
beyond the garden
where a flower blooms, that
has never bloomed before today

i see you…

in the cool shade that
beckons to me, and i dwell within
my innermost feelings
of hope and longing

the afternoon shade grows tall…
creating silhouettes and shadows
that sway like the tall sycamore trees

the thought of you beside me
in the tall grassy meadow, such
sweet revelation

lying down side by side
looking up at the sky,
and imagining a variety of shapes
in the billowy puffs of clouds

it reminds me of a dream i once had

you see, the soft wind
once beckoned to me, as it gently
wrapped around me, caressing
my face and soothing my soul…

it whispered your name,
and i tried to envision what i had dreamt about
one night, but the words escaped me

i take your hand in mine
and the electricity, the feel of your touch
sends me fluttering like
that butterfly, quietly floating
letting the wind take me, sending
me off on a wonderful journey

the journey that you and i
see ahead of us, as we stroll
down the path, the sunset
fast approaching

you whisper to me
and your reassuring words
calm and sooth me

time is still
a moment upon us
and it feels like eternity
as we kiss in the shade
of those tall trees…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

tripping
stumbling
cracking
grating

blunt force trauma
like a cold blade against the skin
elegantly sadistic
brutally sophisticated

like a gun to his head
scratching the surface, of
terror casually horrific,
bleeding to death
on the sidewalk of
nightmarish dreams…

coldhearted
unappreciative
lost in this lonely, desolate
concrete landscape

we toil
thoughts provoked
violence begets violence
and a sheer rampage of
unspeakable carnage
takes place before me

lest they be
the mercenaries of pure
hatred and indifference…

victim: “watcha doin’ muthafucka?”
perpetrator: “i’m gonna kill you, asshole”
victim: “bring it on, brutha, bring it on”

and the shimmer of glass hits one in the eyes dead on,
as the gallon-sized wine bottle bursts into a million pieces,
stars of tiny lights in brutally elegant fashion exploding over
the top of the victim’s head.

the victim continues to hold his fists up, ready
for another onslaught… but wavers

then stumbles and falls onto the pavement.

and the crowd…

gathers around, and watches the blood spread
out onto the concrete slabs, the breathing of
the victim quick and sporadic.

stunned, screaming…

one wonders if he’ll make it. an amubulance
has been called. 911… ironic that a hospital is
just across the street. but it’s a naval hospital
and who knows if they’ll come…

after all, he’s a civilian, a young black man who
seemingly got into a fight with another black man,
words were exchanged and then it happened…

half an hour later, perhaps twenty minutes
too late, they take him away. and the crowd
walks away.

never knowing if he died that day.

on that afternoon
sunny and clear and peaceful
elsewhere…

a mother was reading to her child
lovers huddled in a loving embrace
children innocently playing in the playground
someone discovered they were in love

while another might’ve died that day…

© 2005 Carlos Rull

oh, beautiful ocean
as i watch you swallow the sun, and
the sky’s myriad of colours
paint a visual tapestry, continually changing

as the wind dances playfully around me
the waves crash, as if close to my heart

i gaze upon thee, and
attempt to look beyond
into the distant horizon
as if searching for someone
i don’t really know, who
seems only but…

a mystery

and my heart swells with a greatness
that could only be measured by the
vastness of the ocean and sky…

and it is such,
this endless enygma, that
stories are left untold, that
moonbeams should listen, on
these cool afternoons
by the sea…

and upon this dream i see, how
i tremble and sigh with each passing reflection, how
all is of a starry-eyed essence, that
all is of this fleeting duration…

one can not expect
such sadness of the ocean

but it is there…

how symbolic this great barrier can be
between two hearts, or impenetrable, this
expanse between two distant shores…

may i steal away a moment?

that such beauty lies beyond
such memorable thoughts kept sheltered
in the fleeting moments of eternity

the ease in the notion, that
what has been felt, that which
could be dreamt upon the soul, could
forever be the sounds of waves
crashing swiftly upon the shore

my longing is just the longing of forever,
trying to capture what has already been
in my heart…

oh, beautiful ocean

could it be that it was never lost, nor found?
that the substance of love has always been…

its essence captured, and intact
as my wave makes its way
to that final resting place upon the shore…

©2005 carlos rull

as
if lying
naked on a cold floor

shivering
within ice walls, this
dungeon of sorrow

moments
frozen as if
the air is hard
to breathe in

stealing away in the darkness
stealing away in the eternal moment of sadness

long ago
a melody filled with beauty
now a saddened memory
left like a marker…

a buoy…

that floats along
in this eternal sea

oh, the lingering
of old feelings that
can not be forgotten

in these laden hours…

stealing away in the darkness
stealing away into those memories

of which
i treasure
as keepsakes
from another time

no solace for the weary…
the unlucky

on those cold floors
stripped bare as
i lay quiet

staring
at the light
that peers
through
the crack
in the door…

waiting and
hoping

for an answer
that may never come…

©03/27/2005 Carlos Rull

to whom do i plant
such divine thoughts
in the form of admiration
and affection?

for like this flower
that blooms before me
do i feel the blossom
within my heart?

if in a bond of friendship,
may this warmth go on
to rekindle, and keep
our souls restful and calm…

like a clear shimmering lake
like a blue open sky
like a comforting fireplace…

where the mild glow and
its embers ensure a warm
light that may continue
to burn in the dark, distant night.

in my thoughts
i see you, ever so near
yet so far off into the horizon…

distance may matter not
in the stillness of
the night air
that fails to chill…

my heart glows with
a gratitude that keeps me warm and safe
in a harbour of kindness

days may pass

the nights may be long

even in a world twisting
and turning, full
of pain, sorrow… sadness

a sense of joy and hope appears

and i keep a silent smile
for the friend whom
i keep within my heart…

within such calm reflection
within such dreamful thoughts
within this silence that reassures
me of my dreams

though our friendship
may burn like a tiny candle
in the distance, or
that piece of driftwood
on the seas of randomness
and change…

just knowing
you’re in this world

that your smile is like a shining beacon
that i keep within and treasure so
and hold tight within this moment…

©March 25, 2005 Carlos Rull

Written on February 21, 1999

Coldness,
in quiet places,
lost in deep reflection.

Silence,
shadows before me,
distance between subtle changes,
chances misbegotten.

Longing,
with sorrow,
on thoughts of
what might have been,
a change for want of a certain space.

In time,
immeasurable,
forsaking all emotion,
like a harness that clings
to the obvious distance,
between two points of light,
like a star, pointed to by a flashlight.

And searching for a star
with a flashlight,
knows its futility,
as I ponder
in this coldness,

this quiet place
of grays, hues and
long forgotten memories.

©1999 Carlos Rull

Written on November 30, 2004

the sky
reflected in a pool
of rain water

gray on gray

little droplets
tickling the images

a light drizzle

and life shimmers
in passing time

in this moist
breath of life

airy

sanctuary crossing
the trees that sway
through the cool, wet air

those gray clouds
up above me
so cold to the touch

an amazing, crisp clarity
a stormy, wind chilled mist

yet my heart
feels warmth inside

and i see
a metaphor of nature

a reflection
within a reflection

a moment
in eternity

©2004 Carlos Rull

This is another older poem I just wanted to repost:

If I could,
I’d cast a spell upon the winds,
and make them change direction,
towards the east
where her silent beauty remains,

I don’t know from whence she came,
as mysterious as she appeared,
she quickly vanished,
and my vision of her forever
remains ingrained,

…in my mind…

my forbidden thoughts are haunting me so,
in my life, I must stay at peace with myself,
a shelter within to house
my longings and dreams,

many times, I falter in spirit,
my soul yearns for a coming sunrise,
a new dawn that changes its inner quietude,

quell my thirst,
ease my pain,
shelter my soul,
calm my heart,

as nations go forth in all its glory,
I too proclaim the thoughts that I must,
all that has gone before seems fluid,
distance seems to catch its breath,

time is fastly approaching fruition,
my silent beauty is but a friendly reminder,
a shadow down the lane, a drop on a leaf,
for I finally ease my tortured soul, my friend,

and as I slowly sink,
into a gentle, restful slumber,
I dream of her silent beauty,
of which remains a mystery…

Copyright ©1998 Carlos Rull